Funny Quotes and Sayings

From time to time, I meet people who never smile or laugh. It's a rare occasion though, however they do exist. This proves the point I want to make: the majority of people in this world love to laugh. We just love good jokes, comedy shows, funny life situations, funny quotes... Good laugh is always welcome in my life.

In addition, laughter is healthy. When laughing, the body produces so many positive chemical substances which have a strong positive effect on your health and well being. Go and ask your doctor and I'm sure his answer will be 'Go and laugh as much as you can'. So, funny is good!

I hope the following funny quotes and sayings will make you laugh your ass off the chair. Sometimes, a good funny quote can brighten our day and make us smile. Consider funny quotes and sayings as good jokes. We all love them, don't we?

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"Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak." Unknown author

"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her." Agatha Christie

"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays." Henny Youngman

"The man who has not anything to boast of but his illustrious ancestors is like a potato - the only good belonging to him is underground." Thomas Overbury

"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield

"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humour from women? So that we might love men instead of laugh at them." Patrick Campbell

"A billion here, a billion there, pretty soon it adds up to real money." Senator Everett Dirksen

"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." Unknown author

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray

"Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't." Unknown author

"A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station." Unknown author

"If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments." Earl Wilson

"No one will win the battle of the sexes, there is too much flirting with the enemy." Henry Kissinger

"Never argue with an idiot. Bystanders won't be able to tell the difference." Unknown author

"The reason women don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public." Phyllis Diller

"A wise man once said, 'I don't know, go ask a woman.'" Unknown author

"I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife." Ilie Nastase

"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." Samuel Goldwyn

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown

"I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me." Unknown author

"Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." Peter Ustinov

"I'm dating a homeless woman. It was easier talking her into staying over." Garry Shandling

"When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." Emo Phillips

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb." Freddie Starr

"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals." Unknown author

"My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already." Milton Berle

"Specialist: a doctor who has a smaller practice, but a larger house." Ron Dentinger

"When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car." Unknown author

"I will not allow my daughters to learn foreign languages because one tongue is sufficient for a woman." John Milton

"There are three things I always forget. Names, faces, and the third I can't remember." Italo Svevo

"I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left." Unknown author

"You know when you put a stick in the water and it looks like it's bent but really isn't? That's why I don't take baths." Steven Wright

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